"twice I have lived forever in a smile"

This sweet mistake. I long for you.

But i cant FIND you.

Will you ever FIND ME?

My Smiles. my Trials.

All apart of my Legacy.

A Myth. A Tale. Soon forgotten by sad tomorrows

My hate . My Loves

My ups and down.

So to be taken by.

I life i die i laugh i cry .

Human is what i am.

Struggle is what i live

Freedom is what i seek.

Troubles taken and casted to the place

To leave behind.

But can happiness haunt you.

Can it taunt you existence.

Will you live .

Or will you perish.


Always And Forever

Dancing on my Bed....

Kid ink's song I love life is on repeat right now.. my books are laid out on my bed. Untouched it's been over two hours.. still untouched. i have no motivation to do anything. I look around my messy room.. i see pictures on my wall, memories flood back .. good memories bad ones .. unforgettable ones. This year is going bye extremely fast. It's a good thing .. then again a scary thing. I look back on this year and way too many things have happened.. good things .. bad ones unforgettable ones. But that's life you know a little bit of everything. At this moment i could say that I am content .. happy :). I am not happy because everything is going good or i have everything i want.. I am happy because in the midst of everything i can always find the good out of a bad situation. I can always find the rainbow after the hurricane. I can still find the energy to dance on my bed. I feel free .. i feel  relaxed.. i have forgotten about the two tests i have tomorrow..  I am letting go of the past, letting go of the "what could have been" mentality. We always wonder why bad things happen to good people.. but the reality is bad things happen to bad people as well it's just that we notice when these bad things happen to good people because we feel like they don't deserve it .. but that's just the irony of life. 


"I day dream lookin' off,
 In space tookin' off,
 Sometimes life is a cookie jar,
 But i wouldn't trade it like a rookie cop,"


Baby ... i love life <3


Always And Forever

misread signals, pain & embarrassment.. All of the above

Did you ever fall for someone you know you shouldn't?
Try hard to fight your feelings, but you just couldn't?
You fall deeper with each passing day,
But try to hide it in every possible way.
He's only a friend, and nothing else--
That's the lie you keeping telling yourself.
You keep on saying he's just a bud,
But deep inside, you're falling in love.
You get so giddy when you meet his eyes,
But keep reminding yourself it isn't right.
A simple glance turns into a stare,
But you pretend that you don't care.
It's "not right" for you two to be.
Is that why you hide it so no one can see?
But how long will you pretend?
Keep lying that he's just a friend?
Perhaps your feelings you can never show.
Perhaps it's "wrong" for him to know.
Your friendship can't be risked over this,
So being his girl is an impossible wish...


I should have listened .. i didn't ... but never again .. That i promise. 

A turn around, smile, and I begin blushing.

The look that always blows me away.
It says I want to be with you, forever and always,

But then your face fades away.

And clear blue skies turn to gray.

Utter darkness , and then it seems

That all that we had, was just a dream.

I speak now truely,

from the depths of my soul.

This constant heartache,

is really getting old.

Fifty steps become a thousand miles,

but all was well when you saw my smile.

My heart beats faster,
as i get near.
But then my heart drops,
when the other girl appears.


I look surpirzed,
for all i can do is stand still.
A sudden moment of silence,
cuts even the wind.
and I begin to express my feelings,
that come deep from within.


"Do you know how it feels-
When your heart is slowly dying,
and your tears are long and dry,
but you cant stop crying.
When happiness seems ike an illusion,
difting away in your mind.
And love is a myth,
impossible to find.....


Suddenly a tear rolls,
from the coners of my eyes-
Life is in the balance,
Hope is on a scale.
Persistant and determined am I,
Wanting not to fail..
then I begin..


tell me why the full moon cries.
the stars at night, they brightly shine,
and I too should be happy, sweet and devine."
I know in my heart,
we will be fine.
Everything will work out,
in all due time."

Always And Forever

Somethings are not meant to be .. I'm accepting it.

Super bowl madness! Everyone around me has been anticipating for this day. Packers .. Steelers .. honestly i could care less. I guess even though I don't watch football I should probably use this time to have fun with my family and friends.

 I should, but is it wrong that i don't feel like it? Is it wrong that i'd rather sit here and write this?
It hasn't been a good week for me. I don't know why considering my start to this week was almost perfect.

 I think sometimes when you expect too much from people you almost always end up getting disappointed. But the thing is, I can't explain why this week turned out so bad. I can't explain why so many things changed in the course of a week. 1 week 7 days 168 hours, that's how long it took to make a tear drop down my face.

I don't cry a lot. If I do it's because something really got to me, well i guess i could say this week got to me. I hate sounding depressed. I am usually the one who walks in class with the biggest smile on my face. I am usually the one to ask what's wrong. I am usually the one to give advice.. but not this week. It was a complete 360 turn.

I look at myself in the mirror every morning when i wake up and all i see is a girl who wakes up paints a smile on her face and hope it sticks throughout the day. I am overreacting i know i am.. but what can i do.
Have you ever felt so helpless and out of control that it hurts you. It's like having a heart attack and not being able to reach the phone to make that 911 call.

My grandmother is sick back in Kenya. My father is completely stressed out by the fact that  he cannot be there for his own mother. He never says it and he tries to hide the pain but i see it in his eyes. He has to remain strong for his family .. especially for his mom. I haven't seen her in over four years i don't know if she will recognize me when she sees  me.. that's if she does.

Some of my friendships are going down the drain .. but what can i do? You know someone can only care so much and when you realize the people you spend day and night thinking about .. don't spend a fraction of a second thinking of you. you have to accept it simply because you cannot force someone to care for you. You have to accept that somethings are not meant to be.

Apologizing is hard. Especially when you don't know what you are apologizing for .. but it's worse when the person you are apologizing to could care less about it. It sucks. I hate caring for people.. I hate feelings .. i wish mine would just go numb. I swear it would be a lot easier.

It's Sunday night. The weekend has gone by so quick I am about to face another week. Hopefully a better one. This Sunday is way different from the last one. At a time like this a smile was on my face .. this week it's been replaced with a frown. Goodness how long is this going to last?

"paints her face early in the morning
and she hopes it sticks"

Goodnight bloggers <3